Monthly Archives: December 2009

“What are the odds?”

It’s important to know WHY your favorite airline will soon be preventing you from getting anything from your carryon bag or holding a blanket in your lap. It’s important to know WHY your friendly neighborhood TSA screener will soon have the ability to see your junk, your lack of junk (for the ladies), your every fat roll, and between your bumcheeks… and WHY we, as a society, are moving steadily toward elevating this group of people to what is essentially a new, privileged caste in our society—as the only group of people who will be able to tell, definitively, who has implants.

It’s because of the terrible threat of terrorism, which, AS WE ALL KNOW, is RAMPANT and TERRIBLE. We MUST be protected at all times from this terrible, terrible, terrorist thing… which happens to… oh wait. How many people?



On second thought… maybe I’ll drive. Which is funny, because I am MUCH MORE LIKELY TO DIE in an auto accident than on a plane, with or without a terrorist aboard. Either that, or maybe I’ll start my own airline, since there is obviously a market for this type of thing. An airline that is completely, totally safe. Where there is NO CHANCE that ANYTHING will happen. Ever. And in order to do that… I only see one option: Passengers will fly naked. I think everyone will agree that nudity will substantially cut down on concealed weaponry. But you can never be too careful… and that’s why all of our seats will have handcuffs. Flight attendants will move through the cabin and assist you with your handcuffs before takeoff.

That way, America can still “move about the country”. We’ll still be completely mobile. But we’ll be definitely safe. In fact, we’ll be beyond definitely safe. My airline will be called… Beyond Definitely Safe Mobility. I think BDSM Airlines will be a big hit.

Wake up, America. Take back your dignity, your privacy, and your freedom to fly.