Monthly Archives: May 2009

I’ve been neglecting some things.

One of them: Writing. I haven’t been writing much lately. I don’t think this is a good thing . . . there’s something soul-opening about writing. Even if it’s a few snippets on a blog for some friends (and a few strangers) to read.

So I’m going to just start writing a bit, even though I don’t have a “topic” in mind. Maybe I’ll write a bit about what’s been going on for me lately? Maybe. So I went to Utah a week or two ago. It was a spur of the moment, no notice, throw the kid and the bags in the car and drive kind of trip. I had an absolutely lovely week, full of hiking and driving and talking. And . . . I’m engaged. I have a fiancé. I don’t want to write too much about it here, just a few words maybe. It feels new and strange, even though we know each other so, so well. I wish I were in a place where I could just enjoy it, enjoy the newness and strangeness and spend time talking and hiking and driving, but he’s still in Utah, and for the past few . . . I-don’t-know-how-longs . . . I’ve been spending most of my mental energy at work.

This is a problem for me.

I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet, but I’m having some difficulty with boundaries between work life and creative life and energy and I keep getting these headaches. I’m tense all the time, and I have a lot of frustration that’s being displaced. I’m finding that even relatively minor issues can cause me to fall apart right now. I need to figure out what to do about it. I want to be creative in my life. Not just “creative” in an abstract sense, but “creative” in the sense that I want to create things. Beauty where there was ugliness, music where there was silence, laughter where there was none. Soon. It needs to happen soon.

Enough about that. Let’s talk about babies. My siblings have adorable children.

So, while I was in Utah, we were driving around, stopping for gas, and there was an old man with a little red wagon and a sign, advertising a gourmet donut shop. We stopped and got donuts, partly because we love donuts, but mostly because of the little old man.

I think that’s about all I want to write today. I’m going to go enjoy the sunshine for a while. Peace out.

P.S. . .

I have a knife so sharp…

I could end this now—
I could leave you cold.
I could break your heart
with a single blow.

I know your softest spot.
You shouldn’t trust me so.
It would be so easy…
I could end this now.

I know a song so sad,
that when you heard it sung,
you could never return
to the life you had known.

In your dreams it would haunt you,
like a siren’s call.
It’s on the tip of my tongue…
I could end this now.

Oh love. Oh, fate…
I’d save my soul, but it’s too late.

I have a knife so sharp,
that when it kissed your breast,
you wouldn’t feel it cutting…
just a wind through your chest.

I have a heart so dark,
as the blackest coal.
Then you brought this spark,
now it rages through my soul.

I should end this…
I should end this now.
I should end this…
I should end this…
I should end this now.

Home.

This is a photo of me last week. I’m putting it here, in this entry, because there’s something real in this photo. If you know what to look for.

Today I’m home with strep. I’ve been lying in bed most of the day, watching movies, sleeping, listening to music, sleeping, reading, sleeping, and thinking. I can’t really talk about all the things I thought about, but I thought a lot about life, and death, and love. The big stuff.

The other night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That movie had such an effect on me the first time I saw it. I wanted to fly away that night, fly into the arms that I knew would hold me and love me. It was so strong… the sense of the urgency of life. It flies away from us so, so quickly. But by the time I got out of the theater, there were no more flights. I couldn’t have gone anyway, what with the 3-year-old, but I will never forget how strong that pull was. I wanted so badly not to be alone that night. Well, now the 3-year-old is an 8-year-old. And I’m still here. Just as alone, and just as far away from love as ever.

I love my life. I wouldn’t trade it. Not trying to be dramatic or anything. I just wanted to write a few paragraphs about something real. Hope that’s okay.