Monthly Archives: February 2009

It’s 4 a.m. Why am I awake?

I’m not sure why I’m awake at 4 a.m., except that my throat is sore and I’m having a hard time going back to sleep. So I think I’ll take this opportunity to write something. So… yesterday I spent an entire hour on the phone with a crazy lady. She calls up, wanting help with her online ad, says she’s talked to dozens of people already and spent 40 hours on this stupid ad this week. This is an immediate red flag. Anyone who can manage to spend 40 hours on a free online internet ad is either a) doing something wrong, b) a bit of a sadomasochist, c) completely batty, or d) all of the above. After our conversation yesterday, though, I believe her. I believe she has spent 40 hours on this, because I spent an hour on it with her, and didn’t manage to get anything accomplished.

I tried to be patient while she yammered on about the $275,000 saddle that her mother gave to her sister and her sister says was stolen out of the garage, but she really thinks her sister just sold it and kept the money. I was patient while she talked about her migraines and her stomach illness and her homeopathic doctor, and about how she didn’t need more stress in her life. I was patient while she talked about the couple who came to clean her house and ripped her off, and they didn’t even know that when you take the gloves off your hands, you turn them inside out to keep the chemicals from burning your hands off, didn’t they even know that? And I was mostly patient and just kept trying to ask her “so how can I help you with your ad?”, “what would you like me to change in your ad?”, “I’d be happy to help you re-word your ad…”

She was freaking out, because the zip code she entered in made the words “North Highlands” show up as the location on her ad. “No one wants to buy a mobile home in North Highlands except drug dealers! It’s scaring people away!” But toward the end I got a little tired, and what I really wanted to tell her was: “Lady, the reason this ad isn’t working, the reason no one wants to buy your mobile home, is NOT because your ad says “North Highlands”, it’s because your mobile home is a piece of crap. The light fixture looks like it’s from a Mexican whorehouse, the shower looks like it’s about to fall apart, and the wallpaper looks like a 2-year-old removed his diaper and went fingerpainting.”

But you can’t say that to customers. So I’m saying it to you, Internet. Enjoy.

In time, this too will pass.

All glass will shatter, eventually. The process that transforms it from a pile of sand into a translucent, sparkling amorphous solid also leaves it brittle and prone to breakage. So I shouldn’t cry, maybe… but this piece was special. It was a gift. And I will miss it. I left it out to take it to work tomorrow… now it’s just a pile of shattered pieces, and I can’t think about it too much or my heart feels like it will break too.